


Captain Steven Grant Perfect Hair

by BleedxLikexMe, Half-Dead-And-Still-Fighting (BleedxLikexMe)



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Can you catch the references, M/M, Realizing what you feel isn't acutally hate but love, Rhodey Is a Good Bro, Rhodey is actually the best bro, Tony Being Tony, Tony and Steve are predictable, so much crack, this is all crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-28
Updated: 2013-07-28
Packaged: 2017-12-21 15:01:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/901648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BleedxLikexMe/pseuds/BleedxLikexMe, https://archiveofourown.org/users/BleedxLikexMe/pseuds/Half-Dead-And-Still-Fighting
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You just gestured to all of me." Rhodey doesn't even try to hide his smirk.</p><p>Tony points an accusatory finger at him, "Do not go all 'How To Train Your Dragon' on me, Rhodey!" He flops back against the sofa, all dramatic and Tony Stark-like, "I'm in serious emotional discord here!"</p><p> </p><p>In which Tony Stark hates Captain America and Rhodey helps him sort it out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Captain Steven Grant Perfect Hair

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ariadne_odair](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ariadne_odair/gifts).



> This? This is all crack. I kept the swear words down to a minimum (I think...)! Be proud of me! Nearly every other fic I've written contains, at least, on F-Bomb.

"I hate Captain America." Tony grumbles as he flops bonelessly onto the sofa next to Rhodey. The genius looks about three seconds from crashing, but is fighting it hard. Last Rhodey checked, Tony had been awake for thirty-six hours. That was yesterday, by the way.

Rhodey just eyes Tony for a moment before nodding, "I hate Captain America, too." 'Cause this must be a best friend thing. An I-hate-who-and-what-you-hate-because-you-mean-a-lot-to-me thing. Rhodey's seen high school movies. He knows how teenage girls are. And sometimes, sometimes Tony Stark can be a teenage girl.

Nevermind that he's a forty-seven year old man, he can still swing between teenage girl and twelve year old boy with the occasional grown-up thrown into the mix, just to keep people on their toes.

Tony's head rolls and he stares at Rhodey, "No you don't." Tony declares finally.

Rhodey just shrugs, "Well, I guess hate is a strong word. For me at least. 'Cause if you 'hate'-" And there are definitely verbal air-quotes attatched to that word that Rhodey knows Tony heard, "Captain America, then I must be mildly annoyed with him."

Tony pouts, "You can't do that."

"Do what?"

"That whole," Tony makes a flailing gesture that encompasses all of Rhodey's being. Which, hey, it's a large being, "thing."

"You just gestured to all of me." Rhodey doesn't even try to hide his smirk.

Tony points an accusatory finger at him, "Do not go all How To Train Your Dragon on me, Rhodey!" Then he flops back against the sofa, all dramatic and Tony Stark-like, "I'm in serious emotional discord here!"

Rhodey sighs and nudges Tony's shoulder with his own, "Why do you hate Captain America." And Rhodey tries not to wince as he says those words. Because, dammit, them's fightin' words. And yeah, Tony just leaps up off the sofa and begins pacing.

His words come out fast and hard, but Rhodey's had decades to learn how to translate the verbal mush, so instead of garbled sounds, he hears, "Because he's so perfect! He's got morals and his shield and his lips are so nice and he's all muscley and buldgey and he saved my ass three more times than I've saved his, which, no, not fair!" Tony continues his pacing and the more Rhodey listens to Tony's rant about "Captain Steven Grant Perfect Hair" the more he gets it. But he listens, 'cause that- that's a best friends thing.

"I have had it up to here-" Tony gestures wildly just above his hair-line, "with his perfect face and his perfect butt- Rhodey have you seen his butt because that is a glorious thing to see!- and his goddamn pretty mouth. And when he smiles, Rhodey, I have a mini heart attack! At first I thought there was something wrong with the arc reactor, but I checked it and Jarvis checked it and nothing! Not a damn thing!" Tony runs his fingers through his hair and he groans, "What's going on?" He demands and Rhodey chuckles softly.

"I think I know, Tones." Rhodey begins softly.

Tony stops his pacing and whirls around to face his best friend, "What? What is it? Is he surrounded by these weird nanites? Is it cancer? Do I have cancer? Oh, god! What if Steve has cancer?! I have to tell him!" He spins around in an attempt to head for the elevator but Rhodey stands and grabs Tony by the shoulders, gently turning the genius so they're face to face.

"Tony," Rhodey begins slowly, "nobody has cancer. But I can't tell you what's really going on if you're not willing to listen. I promise, it's nothing bad. I swear." And Tony actually deflates at that, sagging with relief. After a second, Tony nods. He's ready. Rhodey sucks in a breath, stares his friend straight in the eyes, and says, "You're in love with the Captain."

Tony blinks for a second and Rhodey can just see the genius' brain processing that and compairing it to previous data. Finally, Tony nods, "I'm in love with Steve." And just when it should have been okay, Tony pales, "Oh crap! I'm in love with Steve! What do I do?! Should I tell him?" And Tony pulls free of Rhodey grip so he can start pacing again, "What if he rejects me? I don't think I could handle that, Rhodey. I mean, he's from the forties! Being gay was illegal back then! I mean, I'm whatever about labels, you know that. I'm okay with whatever so long as it's concentual and all parties reach orgasm, but! What if Steve isn't? What if he wants that wife, two point five kids, a dog, and a white picket fence sort of thing?"

Rhodey just smiles gently and let's his eyes drift over to the person standing in the doorway, "I don't think that'll be a problem, Tony." And when Tony stops to gape at Rhodey, Rhodey just nods his head at the figure behind Tony. The genius slowly turns around, his face clearly saying "He's right behind me, isn't he?"

And yeah, Steve is. And maybe it was underhanded and probably a bit mean of Rhodey to not stop Tony mid-rant but A- that's a hard thing to do, and B- Rhodey knows exactly what's about to happen next.

Tony and Steve will stare at each other.

Check.

Tony will whisper Steve's name and Steve will do the same.

Yup.

Tony will try to explain and cover it up.

Done.

Steve will cross the room, cup Tony's face with his hands, and plant one of him.

Almost.

Alllmost

Alllllllmooooost.

Gotcha.

Rhodey grins and leaves the room. Jarvis will take it from here.

**Author's Note:**

> Were you worried this would end up like 'What A Spider Does Best'?
> 
> I was.
> 
> A bit.
> 
> Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this and caught the Star Trek: Into Darkness reference!
> 
> (I'll be coming back to add italics since I can't do that when I'm posting from my phone. Which I mostly do.)


End file.
